The separation blues are something every parent can relate to. Whether it’s dropping off their children to the grandparents for the day or sending them off to their first sleepover, I am sure that parents miss their children when they are away from them. Perhaps the separation blues hit the hardest when maternity leave ends and the child has to be dropped off to a child care center. I am not going back to work until January of next year, but I am already dreading the thought of leaving Anokhi with a total stranger. Well meaning friends and relatives are always helping me see things in perspective, explaining that Anokhi will enjoy interacting with other children, will learn from them, and will acquire the critical social and early learning skills that will help her in Kindergarten. I understand all of this. I know it is all very true. But my heart sinks each time I think about leaving her and I am trying each day to prepare myself for this reality that, although seems like is so far away, will be here in what will feel like a split second. Anokhi is already 8 1/2 months old and I am still wondering where the time went.
Over the last few months, I have scoured our neighborhood to find child care centers for Anokhi. There are several in the area and I have visited most of them. The centers look good and they offer good programs for the children. From our visits to the community center and from the playdates that Anokhi has had, I know she enjoys being around other children so I am praying she will be okay and, most importantly, enjoy her time at these centers. What I worry most about is that she may feel I am abandoning her when I leave her there. I wish there was some way I could tell her that I love her immensely and would never leave her if I didn’t have to. I wish I could help her understand that wherever I leave her, I will make sure she is well taken care of and that all her needs are met. I am convinced daycares everywhere are used to having paranoid mommies and daddies asking all kinds of questions (sometimes repeating the same questions ad nausium), but I will have to be careful so that I am not blacklisted at the center.
Recently (over this last week), Anokhi has really started to show separation anxiety when she is away from me. Earlier, she would whimper or cry for a minute or so when someone else picked her up and when I was out of sight. However, lately, when someone else picks her up and even if I’m where she can see me, she cries hysterically and there is no way to calm her unless I pick her up. Her cries break my heart. It’s almost as though she feels like someone is taking her away from me. Although she is okay with people she knows or has met several times, she panics when she meets someone new. It takes her time to adjust to new faces and to begin interacting with them. To help her adjust to others faster and not need me all the time, I am trying to introduce her to lots of new people and am trying not to always be around. I have also always done what the “experts” have recommended – don’t pick up your child as soon as he/she cries, teach your child to self-soothe, leave your child to play on his/her own for some time, and leave your child with family and friends. None of this, however, seems to be helping these days.
So, for now, the goal is to help Anokhi realize that others can also take care of her and that I will always be back to take care of her. I hope she understands this. I know that when it’s time for me to go back to work and to leave her, it’ll be much harder for me than it will be for Anokhi. I expect that I’ll have lots of feelings of guilt and I am sure I will be walking on pins and needles the first few weeks after Anokhi starts at the center. I know I’m not the only one and I’m always asking my friends with children about their experiences – hoping desperately they will tell me what I want to hear. I pray it will be easier than I imagine it to be.
I hope Anokhi is this happy and this engaged at the learning center. I'll miss her tremendously while I'm at work.
I think she handled herself really well with all of us on Sat
I’d have to say it’s pretty natural for anyone to get overwhelmed meeting a group of new people all at once.
I know I find it overwhelming!
I think both Mummy and baby will be just fine in this case.
BTW, I’ve added your blog to my blogroll
xo
Smits
Hi Smita,
. I’d love for her to spend time with you all so she really gets to know you. I know you’ll be such an important part of her life, as you are for us. Also, thanks for adding me to your blogroll 
. I tried adding you and another friend, but it doesn’t seem to work. I’ll have to playaround with it more.
Thanks for your message! Anokhi is a little trooper but I have to constantly remind myself that she’s still just a baby…hasn’t even been on earth for 300 days yet
xo
Keenjal,
I have been running the home daycare now for nearly eight years. I have integrated so many little ones I have lost count. There will definetely be a few tough weeks in the beginning but it does get better. Integration is so key. Make sure wherever you decide to send Anohki that you integrate her as much as possible into the program and people she will be with on a daily basis. I’m sure you already know this but I have come across so many parents who think a couple weeks of seperating themselves from the child is enough and it isn’t.
You will shed many tears as I have seen the same with Moms over the last eight years but again things do get better and settle down.
I’m sure the centers will tell you quick goodbyes are the best. The more you prolong a goodbye the worse it is on the child. More often than not as soon as Mom shuts the door the child stops crying within a minute or so and will settle into the day.
Don’t be suprised however if Anohki plays her quilt card and crys for you for a couple months upon drop off. I have had children shed the tears and as soon as mom leaves laugh and giggle with excitement and not want to leave at the end of the day. They are very smart little creatures…lol!
Good luck with your search for care. I hope you find something that works for the both of you. I have been there as a provider caring for these children not as a Mom having to leave them but I definetely know a bit of what is to come. Take care.
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks so much for your message! I truly appreciate hearing from you, especially given that I’m sure you’re exhausted because of the pregnancy. I am so happy to hear that they do settle down and that things do get better. You have firsthand experience with this because you run your own daycare so it’s definitely a relief to hear that. Also, the center that I have found for Anokhi encourages parents to bring the children in a few weeks before they are to start to transition them into the center. I was thinking of starting this transition about a month before she is to start and hoping it’ll be enough.
Thanks again, Jennifer.
Hi!
I’ve discovered your blog through the Foodhogger website, and being a new mom myself your “separation blues” entry felt very close to me. My son is 19 months old, and he’s been going to day care since he was one year and a half. And he is loving it now!
Since he has always been very attached to me, I used to fear going back to work and leaving him with other people. As I saw him grow, though, I realized that he can eat well, sleep, play and be very happy with others as well. (It takes no time at all to put him for a nap at day care, while I sometimes can spend half an hour nursing and singing until he finally falls asleep
I have noticed between 1 year and 1 and a half years a big change happening. My son became much more capable of doing different things by himself, and our communication has improved a lot.
When I was looking for day care, it was important for me to find a place that will be supportive of my parenting practices and use similar methods in their care of children. And when the time came for my son to go to day care, I was sure he will be in good hands.
The first few weeks he cried when we left him there, but the teacher gave him her full attention and took him in her arms right away and played with him, so I knew he will be all right. The first week he stayed only half days, but the next week he stayed for a nap, and he was able to nap right from the first day, which was great! We also discovered that he likes having breakfast there, so we started bringing him earlier, and he didn’t cry as much. And then one day, I brought him in, we washed hands, I sat him at the breakfast table, kissed him good bye, and … he didn’t cry!!!
I’ve read somewhere that children live in the present moment, so maybe they have no capacity of understanding that later in the day parents will come back for them. But they seem to respond well to rhythm in life, and when they see that parents consistently pick them up, they know they won’t be abandoned. Also they seem to develop affection for their teachers and like spending time around them.
I’m not exactly sure how much my son understands at this point (although sometimes it feels like he understands everything:)), but I always say good bye to him and that I will see him in the evening. Since he loves to imitate us, I also keep telling him that his “work” is very important and that “Daddy is going to work, Mommy is going to work and Maxik is going to work too.”
I don’t know if any of this helps, but I wish you and your baby all the best in the world!
Elina
Hi Elina,
)!. Anokhi is almost 9 months and she still takes 2 naps a day. When she starts,s he’ll be 18 months and i’m hoping she’ll have dropped her morning nap by then. At the daycare, the children only nap once a day in the afternoon (the youngest children at the daycare are 18 months).
Thanks so much for your message! You have NO idea how comforting your words are to me. I am super nervous about taking Anokhi to daycare because, like your son, Anokhi is also very attached to me. I am in the process of looking for daycares and have found one that I am quite happy with. They have a special program where they “transition” children into the daycare before they are to start. Unfortunately, I will have to leave Anokhi for the full day right from when she starts, but the daycare will allow her to come in a few weeks before she is to start so she can adjust. I am hoping this will ease her anxiety. It is so wonderful to hear how happy your son is at his daycare and how well he has adjusted (including his naps
I also love the fact that you looked for a daycare that shared your parenting philosophies. From what I was able to see and from what they shared with me at the daycare, their teaching practices are in line with what I try to do with Anokhi at home. I am training her to be as independent as possible and to be as self-reliant as possible. She’s still quite little, but I’m hoping she’ll be able to do some of her own things by the time she starts.
Thanks again, Elina. I truly appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to share your invaluable thoughts and experiences with me. If there is anything else you think of, please let me know
.
Keenjal